I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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