So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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