Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
