I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
