i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
