I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
