I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
