fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
