Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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