I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
