I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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