He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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