I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
