Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
