you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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