I cannot find my penis.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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