There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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