On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
