you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have grass duct taped all over my body
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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