When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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