Pappa wants mamma naked
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
