Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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