don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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