my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
