i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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