I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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