It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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