Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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