Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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