my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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