the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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