YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
