Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
