I wish my penis had an off switch
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
