i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
