You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
soo... how was my night?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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