I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
