I will die if light touches me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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