It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
