just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
