I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
