We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
