3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Alive.
So much puke
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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