it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
