he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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