Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
