My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
40s are totally the cure
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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