im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
