yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
