my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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