My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
